If You're Still Out There

I found myself trying to think about you today. It honestly surprised me how difficult it actually was.

How could I not remember someone who I said I would never forget?

I remembered details about you just so they would keep me company after you would leave…

Your voice and how I could hear you speaking all day in the back of my head…whether it was you telling me about an interesting documentary you just saw or just your voice of reason in my ear whenever I was about to make a foolish decision.

Your scent and how unique it was. It was always my favorite. The same cologne you would wear just because you knew it thrilled me every time. I swear I could smell your scent lingering on my clothing even after you left, and I loved that.

Your face and how everything you did always stood out to me. From how sometimes your eyelashes used to tangle when you would blink just because they were that long to how just the sight of you used to trigger every nerve in me. I could always feel you…because your touch moved the blood in my body.

But now…

I listened to an old voicemail you left me telling me how you were sorry and how you loved me…and yes I hear the words being spoken…but I do not hear you…

I smell the same cologne you used to wear just for me all the time. But it does not thrill me – because when I smell it, I do not smell you…

I see pictures of you, your face, even of us and I understand that it is you in these pictures but my brain just does not process that it is you…

I just honestly think it’s my brain that is trying to erase you on its own…

Or maybe…

You just have become a totally different person from the version of you that is registered in my mind…

I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. I just don’t remember you.

#withloveKM